Apologies for the Weekly Round-Up deficiency as of late. It’s difficult to write without a private detective hacking the phones of the rich and famous. Thankfully, those very rich and famous people are perfectly capable of saying and doing ridiculous things all by themselves.
Like Kanye West. The man with diamonds for teeth. He announced a recording project with Jay-Z way back in December 2010, which, to compensate for America’s lack of a monarchy, they entitled Watch the Throne. Apparently it’s meant in a paranoid way. As in they both share a 24-hour guard in shifts of six hours of their metaphorical hip-hop royalty chair. Such fears were proven to have elements of truth over the weekend, as West appeared to be shot down by a sniper when performing at a gig in Norway.
Kanye West, of course, resides in America, which (coincidentally for the next story) is the country Cheryl Cole is adamant to crack. It hasn’t so far, just like the champagne bottle that refused to smash against the Titanic’s hull, but you’ve got to admire her Geordie steel.
But, quite unexpectedly, she’s making the transition to Hollywood. Cole is expected to be starring in a film about pregnancy alongside Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz, called, rather clunkily, What To Expect When You’re Expecting – which you’d expect them to change the name of before its release.
What wasn’t entirely unexpected, though, was Jedward’s revelation that they lead sex-free lives. So their DNA will stop with them, which is a comforting thought. Or will it?…
In completely unfounded truths this week, it has been suggested that the Jedward twins reproduce not by the standard form of human meiosis, which involves obtaining half of one’s chromosomes from both the mother and father, but by mitosis, which is how bacteria replicates. Instead of giving birth, Edward of the Jedward twins is able to split down his middle and produce two exact copies himself. It explains how they’ve suddenly begun to appear everywhere. Eurovision, ITV2, weddings, barmitzvahs. There might be an army of replicated Jedward twins out there, in their thousands, all dressed in the same red blazers with the same blonde highlighted quiffs, watched over by a manic, cackling Louis Walsh.
