R Kelly offers massages on the high seas and Kanye west is scared of falling
R Kelly must have been overcome with festive spirit during the holiday period. Not a week had passed since he announced his “Love Letter” cruise for 1-5 October this year, where he’ll provide “delicious cuisines, massages and a stepping class,” and he’s revealed yet another future project for his many fans to take delight in.He’s written 32 new chapters for his epic, sprawling, seemingly completely un-ironic ‘hip-hopera’ - Trapped in the Closet, which will bring the project to a total of 54. Some will inevitably say this is 45 chapters more than it needs to be, after the series of songs peaked at the end of chapter nine where R. Kelly reveals that a character’s wife has been involved in extra-marital affairs with a midget. You owe it to your own musical education to watch the video, a unique blend of complete sincerity and self-parody. However, those 32 new chapters would cost “…a lot of money to do…so we’re actually looking for investors.”
Presumably, that’s what the cruise is for. The tickets range expensively from $999 (£645) to $2,999 (£1,930), and Kelly hinted on Twitter that it might become an annual event. But considering you’ll be on the same cruise liner as an artist such as he, that’s a steal. After all, as the event’s website attests:
“Kelly possesses a sixth sense when it comes to knowing what music fans want—and delivering it with one of the most distinctive tenors in the business. How many artists are versatile enough to effortlessly switch gears from club groove (Step in the Name of Love) to inspirational anthem (I Believe I Can Fly) to a timeless R&B classic (If I Could Turn Back The Hands of Time) without missing a beat or losing one drop of emotion?”
If R Kelly was ol’ St Nick, then Kanye West cuts a far more Grinchy figure. During a Watch the Throne concert in December in the Tacoma Dome, Kanye West spotted a business card that had been thrown onto the stage.
“WHO’S CARD IS THIS?” he roared and stamped his feet, “WE RISKING OUR LIVES UP HERE. YOU CAN’T GO THROWING S*** THAT WE GONNA SLIP ON.”
And then, like a human devoid of all humour, he continued, “I see it come from that direction. Unless one person raises their hand and says ‘I’m the one who did it’, all that whole section gotta go.” Tiny Tim then raised his hand in the crowd, slightly stumbling as he tried to keep his balance on account of his gammy leg, for the security guards to promptly usher him out.
In his defence, though. Kanye did
suffer a horrid fall sometime earlier in the year.
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